My mother has never been anything short of a wonderful mother and (what seemed to be) a loving wife, so it was a huge shock to us when we found out. My brother especially has been having a hard time with the news, saying he can't sleep because he feels like we're lying to our father by not telling him. The problem is that telling our father would make matters exponetially worse and will probably break up our family. How can I assure my brother that my mother can eventually be trusted? How can we both deal with her on a day-to-day basis knowing this?How to deal with cheating mom?
Your mother's promise to just 'end the affair' won't work.
She had an affair for a reason. You don't know what that reason was. Unless the relationship between your parents improves, she will have another one.
To be honest, you really don't know what's preventing it. Has your mother given up on the marriage? Has your father? Is he unwilling to change? Who knows? Do you want to know? I guess you could confront your mother, sit down, say look, I need to understand what's happening here, why did this happen, and what's changed if anything between you and dad that will make you happy with him now. If her plan is to simply grin and bear being unhappy, it ain't gonna work.How to deal with cheating mom?
im in the same situation as you!!! im only 12 though and its killin me i confronted my mom but shes still cheating i know 4 sure i read emails 2 im dyin here!!!
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You simply can NOT trust her, if she gets away with it she will go right back in it or start a
new one. Tell your father, show him the evidence, let it take the coarse, it's up to HIM to forgive or hate her for cheating as a wife, you have your chance to forgive or hate for what she has done to the family.
I think you all are handling it right. Why hurt dad?
If it makes you feel any better, when people get to be a certain age they sometimes have affairs and while when you're young and idealistic it may seem traumatic, as we get older we learn that life is a compromise and time is running out on our own youth. What your mother did is no sleight on your father. And we do not know what secrets your father may have.
Adultery at one time was illegal in America! It will always be,whether or not the laws of the land reflect it. You two may need to seek better council and advice then you will find here. It's a complicated issue,not one that this format can provide you with the best and most equatable solution!
oh I'll bet you both think you are so smart ...Guess what you're not ! Its non of your business how your MOM and DAD conduct their .friendships ... Maybe your idea of a lover is not their idea of a lover ...Stray out of it ..You both have no idea really ... You just assume
I think you should tell your father about it because she deserves a divorce. I can understand she is your mother but cheating is not allowed when you are someone's wife or husband. You may not like this but ';Do the right thing.';
Unless she's being a mother to some other kids behind your back, she isn't cheating on you or your brother. Both of you have over-stepped your boundaries by digging through her things, and the audacity to actually confront her on it. It's not any of your business. No one, not even you and your brother are privy to what goes on in her marriage. You also sound grown enough to be getting out of the house soon. You should be worrying about your studies, your future and your own affairs- stay out of mom's!!
ADD: I have been in this situation, so hear me out. Just because I don't sugar coat it for you, doesn't make it insensitive. Your mother did not betray your trust, you can't even be sure she has betrayed your father's trust. The important thing to remember is that she's a good mother to you and your brother. Do not chastise the woman for seeking happiness. One day you'll understand.
I cannot believe people are actually telling you that it's none of your business! That is SO WRONG of them to tell you that! What I would do is to talk to your mom again and give her an ultimatum. She has to stop cheating or SHE has to tell everything to your dad. You guys, please, don't tell anything to your dad, make HER do that at any price.
When people tell you it's none of your business, they actually don't realize that you guys will grow up one day and have families on your own. If your mother continues to cheat, you might think that cheating is appropriate in a marriage, but it's NOT. Please, learn on your mothers mistakes and don't become like her (in terms of cheating).
Bottom line, SHE has to tell your dad everything if she doesn't end her affair.
Your mother is totally wrong in confirming the matter to you guys, she is expecting you to continue on the lie to your father in the matter, if she lies to her own husband, then of course she is going to tellyou what you want to hear!
'that she will end the relationship!
in which it is not true,
if i were either of you I WOULD ask her to tell your father what she has been doing, or the two of you will.Its not fair to you or your brother and its very unhealthy.
she should be a more adult about this,
obviously she cheated, obviously the marriage is not a healthy one.
they either need family couceling, or to just get a divorce.
she cant expect either of you to hide this secret from your father!
thats just not right!
You and your brother need to sit down and have a talk, and fast. NO ONE IS TO TELL DAD. Not at all.my parents were going thru something when I was sixteen, I was accusing her of not being a good wife to my dad even though he had did some bad things to her. My mother told me when I got older and got a husband I would understand, and you know what I do.I was completely wrong, all I thought about was the love for my Dad. So you and him need to stay out of it. Your mother has been a good mother to you, and as much of a devoted wife as she needed to be.Your father may very well know. He knows they are having problems.He doesnt need his kids to confirm it. Respect your parents enough to stay out of this. You do NOT do that to Mom.
No one is to give Dad a 1 week ultimatum. If you are as mature and grown as you sound you need to go away for the weekend and take your brother with you, or send him to an aunts house or a friends house. Let them work their own things out. It is completely obnoxious for two children, though well intentioned, who have never been married, know nothing about marriage , to interfere in their parents affairs. Stay out. And tell your mother your sorry.
And I am sorry about what you and your brother are feeling. Its difficult and hard but you went snooping. You need to respect their privacy.
Edit: Point blank, everything is not black and white in a marriage. No offense but do not Listen to Diane. You can not hold your parents responsible for what you go thru in your marriage, nor can you blame your future spouse's actions on his parents. Everyone makes choices. Would you seriously think that giving your mom an ultimatum to confess to your father will save you and your brother from having a similar marriage? That is absolutely ridiculous. She has never been married, her maturity level shows.
Edit: Honestly Please do not tell your father. You have a right to be hurt and upset. Mom should have been more careful and not have put you two in this position. I would still apologize to your mother for reading her email, whether it was on the desk top or not, but I would also say that you two are devastated by what this has done to them. And listen to what she has to say. Mom owned up to it , she didn't lie. She obviously doesn't want to hurt you two. I still stand by this is between your mom and your dad, and whatever she does is up to her.
Edit: No one is trying to gang up on you. A lot of things come thru on text a different way. I think i speak for everyone when I say we are all rooting for you family and wish for the best.
this is a very hard situation. i would tell my mother that she had a week to tell my father everything or i would. i know it will hurt your dad real bad but he deserves to know the truth.i would be so crushed if my mom was cheating on my dad.sorry but i take your brothers side.you cant just brush it off like its not a big deal.my x fiance cheated on me and i wish someone would have told me.it is the worse thing someone can do to someone else and your father needs to know that his perfect wife is a liar and cheater.
This is between your mother and father, not you.
People can be wonderful fathers and mothers, it does not mean they are great husbands or wives. And if someone is cheating generally both people have quit putting forth an effort remind your brother of that as well. You see him as a wonderful father but maybe he is not a wonderful husband. None of that is an excuse for an affair, if she was unhappy she should have left. It is hard for a child to see their parent as anything other than a parent.
Maybe he knows or has doubts and has chosen to do nothing about it. Sometimes people refuse to work on their problems even when they know they are there. It is a sticky situation, and one you should let your mother handle. Why was he checking up on your mom to begin with? That is a bit weird in my opinion.
Edit: I have been through this with my parents. But now that I am an adult, I understand a little more. And I did say there is NO EXCUSE. But I do know my mom asked my dad to change to put forth more effort etc. Some people choose to keep their relationship at a stand still and inevitably one person cheats. I think it is a terrible things to do and vowed to never do it myself seeing what it did to my father. I am just saying you do not know every aspect of your parents relationship, even if you think you do. Hopefully your mother will come clean for your brothers sake. You say she has been a wonderful mother and wife (aside from this), mistakes happen even to mothers and fathers.
Edit: I am sorry if I offended you, and when I said NO EXCUSE I meant no excuse for an affair, period. My point was it takes two make a marriage work and most of the time two people know their marriage is failing. Of course it is gonig to eat at you and your brother. Confront your mother again and let her know what it is doing to him. I just think there is so much more to marriage especially a long one that you cannot undestand until you are there yourself.
o my God I'm so sorry to hear this. It must have been very hard on u n your brother.
first of all, your dad has to know. but it has to come from your mom. not u nor your brother. give her a time frame to own up to your dad. if not, u will. if i were in your situation i would feel that my dad has the rights to know. people u love deservers nothing less than the truth.
However, do not ever take the blame for 'breaking up the family'. your mom IS the one who chose to break up the family, not u. she shld bear the responsibility for it. not u, although u r affected in the process. i'm sorry but your family is already broken the day your mom broke her vows / trust with your dad.
once again, i'm very sorry for your situation. do spend more time with your brother as much as possible since u r the only one who can give him support now.
Well, damn, sometimes in life it doesn't hurt you until yuo know, so tell your bro if he truely loves his dad he won't tell him. It would devastate him and break up your family and hurt your mom. Just leave it be, its really none of your guys business anyway. I know it sucks, but move on, live your happy lives and let your dad live his. Good luck.
PS. I just read the answer above me, and although this answer seems like the ';right'; thing to do, IMO there is a right thing to do and then there is the ';good'; thing to do. We only live one life and if your father never finds out about this he will die a happier man, if he truely loves your mom. Please consider not telling him.
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